Guest Post: Punk Rock Wedding Cake by the Vampire Cake Baker

Greetings Holy Handcrafter Readers,

I am the recipient of a number of wonderful and holy handcrafts and in return have submitted some pictures of my baking for your perusal.

As a vampire, I find that I have to spend most days hidden away inside as my pale complexion cannot take the sun. I don’t like the taste of people, and so the vampire cake baker was born. My cake makes people do my bidding, and friends don’t find your staying in during the day suspicious if you bring them cake in the evening.

This is a cake I made for the beautiful wedding of two such friends. The bottom layer is raspberry and vanilla marble cake  (made of course with fresh raspberries making a lovely pink swirl), the next is a lemon cake, followed by a simple vanilla sponge, and the top (only eaten by the bride and groom) was awesomely chocolaty. Don’t choose one cake – HAVE THEM ALL!

I highlighted the stars and piping with sparkle dust, because no one can ever have enough edible sparkles, in my opinion. The cake topper of the King and Queen of hearts was the happy couples’ idea, and looked amazing.

This cake kept me out of the sun for a good few weeks, and left me nice and pale for the wedding.

I go back to the shadows now,

Vampire Cake Baker

……oh, and yes, I do turn into a bat – just big enough to steal cupcakes from those who are not vigilant. Mwaaa haaa haa haaa haa.

Pirate Sock Bunny

AVAST YE!

BATTEN DOWN YE HUTCHES! HOIST UP YE MAIN TAIL!

This be Pirate Sock Bunny. I made him for my sister who lives on a boat. He has extra long arms cos she be tying him to the mast of her ship.

His favourite things be grog, swashbuckling and sea biscuits.

Savvy?

YAAARGH!

HH x

Kitty Cat Hat

This is also my best impression of Deadly Knitshade...

I am of the general opinion that there are few objects which are not vastly improved by the addition of cat ears.

This fabulous hat is my version of the Kitty Cat Hat in the first Stitch and Bitch Book by Debbie Stoller. I made it for Princess Squishabelle’s birthday because she is lovely and has been asking me for one for years :)

I have customised it by adding pink felt to the inside of the ears and big pink felt stars to the bottom of the i-cord. When I rule the world I am going to make everything pink…

LOOK AT MY HAT! LOOK AT MY LOVELY HAT!

This is my first non-rectangular knitting project so big thank yous to Loocy Goose who gave me a lot of help and encouragement (not to mention all the needles and yarn…) and the Cake and Make girls who helped me transfer it from circulars to double pointed needles – I will never forget the look on my housemate’s face as she tried to walk through our living room, only to find her path blocked by four sweaty and exhausted looking women who appeared to be wrestling a small black object.

Confused Housemate – ‘What on earth are you doing?’

Us – ‘Knitting!’

Obviously.

I am very proud of it, even if it came out slightly too big (which is ok because Princess Squishabelle happens to reign the Kingdom of Enormous Hair).

Must go, these zombies aren’t going to crochet themselves…

HH x

Spooky Hair Accessories

Spooky!

It’s amazing how some little skulls can brighten up spookify a few standard hair accessories.

For this project I used some pretty standard modeling clay – (the kind you bake in the oven til it hardens) and some uber strong glue. For those of you who are concerned, I was supervised by a responsible adult at all times.

It was pretty fun going through all my hair stuff and wondering what I could stick skulls to. I am now fighting the urge to stick them to everything I own. C’mon it’d be great! – skull candles, skull vases, skull glasses…

Maybe not.

Anyway, this little project has spawned another idea about sticking tiny little Trap Door style bugs and monsters to things, so keep your eyeballs peeled for that one.

HH x

Vampire Sock Bunny

Hello?

This is Vampire Sock Bunny.

He was a special project for a good friend of mine and got posted to her with a note he had written himself that said ‘pleese look after me’ (he can’t spell too good). He was a bit nervous about going in the post, but I am told he arrived ok.

He may look vicious but he wants everyone to know that he is a vegetarian and his favourite food is ketchup.

Vampire Sock Bunny

He is another sock creature. They are very simple to make and I managed to create him in one evening, which is just as well cos since I have started this blog I now have a long list of people who want a sock monster of their own… hee hee :)

His ears are stuffed with cotton wool balls, which is a great idea as they hold the shape really nicely so you don’t have to use any wire.

Got to go, let’s just say I am doing piratey things…

HH x

Lentil Soup

Mmmmmm

Those of your who have been subjected to blessed with my fabulous home cooking are bound to recognise this lentil soup. It’s one of my favourites and I make it quite a lot.

Here’s how to make some for yourself:

Ingredients (serves 4)

• olive oil
• 1 cup of dried red lentils
• 1 small onion (I like red best)
• 1 birdseye chili
• 3 cloves of garlic
• half a pepper
• 1 large carrot
• 2 sticks of celery
• a large handful of fresh coriander
• 1 tablespoon of cumin seeds
• 2 teaspoons of paprika
• 1 vegetable oxo cube or knorr premium veg stock (see photo)
• dried mixed herbs (basil, oregano and thyme)
• salt and pepper
• lemon juice
• tabasco sauce

Chop chop chop

And here’s what to do:

Put a little bit of olive oil in a large saucepan and add the chopped onion and crushed garlic. Let it cook on a medium heat for a minute or two.

Add the cumin and paprika.

Hack the rest of your vegetables (celery, pepper, chili and carrot) into teeny tiny cubes and put them in the saucepan with the onion and garlic. Fry them until they’re a little bit soft.

Pretty colours

Add the dried herbs, a squeeze of lemon and a cup of red lentils.

Using the same cup, measure out 2 cups of water and 1 cup of vegetable stock (dissolve it in the water) and add that too. Add as much salt, pepper and tabasco as you want.

Cover and let it boil on a low heat for about 20 minutes or until the lentils are soft and a kind of golden yellow colour.

Stir in the fresh coriander, stick something interesting on top* and serve.

Lentil soup and homemade bread

*Interesting stuff to stick on top:

Soya bacon flavour bits
More fresh coriander (I am a coriander fiend)
Greek yoghurt
Balsamic vinegar
Garlic dough balls
Japanese chili seasoning
Cheddar cheese

Hope you like it :)

HH x

Bible Puppets

Bible Puppets

These puppets were made as a favour for a friend to amuse the little ones at her church. I figured that they could be fun and yet educational too! *syrupy grin*

They are all characters from stories in the Bible because I wanted to be able to do something fun with each of them and I thought that the grown ups could use them to tell stories to the kiddies.

I was specifically banned from making Jezebel, Leviathan or any locust beasties from Revelation :(

From top to bottom and left to right we have:

Queen Esther and her shiny crown

Joseph and his lovely coat of many colours (how I love my coat of many colours…*ahem*)

A very angry Moses and the burning bush

King David and his harp

Camp looking Noah and some escaped lizards from the arc

Jacob and a sheep (the song says he spent all of his days in the fields with sheep, Andrew Lloyd Webber = gospel)

Hideous whale beast of my nightmares to eat Jonah finger puppet

Deborah and the tree she sat under to judge Israel

Daniel and finger puppet lions (arr raaah raah)

Scary looking Gabriel bringing the good news about sparkly felt

Beardy disciple Peter being a fisher of… erm… fish

Not as creepy as my usual stuff, but it did keep me out of trouble for a few days. I did enjoy making the finger puppet lions (if I’d had it my way they would have been much toothier but I didn’t want to scare the kids…)

I, on the other hand, was much more scared of the whale puppet. I had to keep it locked in a trunk in my room incase it crawled out in the night and came to get me with it’s thumbs *shudder*

With it’s thumbs…

HH x

The Teeth Monster

Arrrg raaaar raaargh

This is the Teeth Monster, another creation that got sent to live at the Monkey House with Gigantor and the Vampire Cake Baker.

The inspiration for the Teeth Monster struck me late one dark and foggy night, when the moon was full and the shadows were long. The drive to create flowed through my cold veins and I knew then that another hideous monster must be born…  (I do get carried away with this whole goth thing sometimes)

Teeth Monster Tail

He is made from some Cute and Evil offcuts, a couple of gloves, a sock, some buttons, felt, a small pony, lollipops, bubblegum, and some goblin magic. *

He is largely inspired by my love of piranhas.

I hope you love him as I do, as he is terribly misunderstood. I am told that he is very well cared for at the Monkey House and has made many friends (even if he does have a habit of chewing on them sometimes).

Must dash, the goblins have thrown yarn all over my bedroom again.

HH x

*Some of this is LIES!

Winged Monkeys…

Ooooh oooh oooh AAA AAA AAA!

FLY MY PRETTIES! FLY! *cue evil cackling*

I unleashed these hideous creatures a few weeks ago, with instructions to fly to the Vampire Cake Baker in London to carry out her evil bidding.

Little did I know, that there would be a winged monkey victim much sooner than expected…

SHOCK!

The headlines read ‘SHOCK – ENORMOUS MAN TAKEN DOWN IN WINGED MONKEY ATTACK!’ and shocked we were. The victim is said to be undergoing treatment for mild shock and scratch wounds to the face.

They say at night he can still hear the shrieking…

HH x

Monster Cake

Grumpy Monster

This grumpy little monster was another Helen and Sophie creation, this time in honour of Loocy Goose’s birthday.

Monster Tail

I mentioned that the Invader Zim cake was stripey inside, right? Well this is what I meant…

Stripey Cake!

I think he looks grumpy because he knows he’s about to be eaten. He did get his revenge on us though – I think everyone left feeling slightly queasy from all the sugar and food colouring, which is a damn fine way to do a birthday party in my humble opinion!

The stripes inside are made by sandwiching 4 different coloured cakes together with jam – really simple but really effective. Also totally worth the look on Loocy’s face when she cut it open (she was the only one who didn’t realise that Helen and I were up to something).

The outside is buttercream again, which works really nicely for sandwiching 4 cakes together because it’s so thick.

Thanks go to the Vampire Cake Baker for her help and advice on this one, look out for a few of her creations sneaking their way onto my blog in the future…

HH x